Set Phasers to Stupid
by Red Witch
Summary: The Brotherhood indulges in a bit more make believe. This is what happens when you try to write while under flu medication.


****

The disclaimer telling you I don't own X-Men Evolution characters or any other television shows has disappeared. Where did it go? I've been sick lately so I have no idea…

**Set Phasers To Stupid**

Lance lay on the couch at the Brotherhood house, relaxing the afternoon away despite the raucous noises from the room upstairs. He was happily daydreaming about Kitty. Ironically it was his homework that he was neglecting which had inspired this latest daydream. He had been reading a section of his history book, which happened to have a blurb about Bonnie and Clyde, two notorious bank robbers.

_If we lived back then, we'd be known as Kitty and Lance!_ Lance thought. He imagined the fun they would have had robbing banks, dancing the night away in speakeasies, running from the law. He could picture Kitty perfectly in a female gangster outfit, just like Bonnie herself wore. And when the cops came to ambush them on that back road, instead of riddling the car with bullets, Kitty would simply phase so that they would pass harmlessly through. Then Lance would use his powers to create chaos so that they could simply drive pass the overturned cars unchallenged. _That would be so cool!_ He smiled as he imagined them driving off into the sunset. 

However, a loud repeated knocking at the front door interrupted his daydream. Grumbling, Lance put aside his fantasy to answer the door. Needless to say, he wasn't exactly thrilled to discover that a certain sunglasses wearing mutant had interrupted his fantasy life. Correction, make that one sunglasses wearing mutant, A redheaded ice queen, a former Brotherhood Babe and everybody's least favorite porcupine. 

"Well I see that it's time for the annual Geek Scouts cookie fundraiser again," Lance smirked as he leaned against the doorway, folding his arms. "Sorry, but they give us indigestion." 

"Where's Pietro Lance?" Scott's voice asked in a not very polite tone. 

"He's in the Congo, on safari," Lance quipped. "He went to get pictures of the rare albino elephant."

"Stop playing games Lance," Jean sniffed. "We know he's here."

"So what did he do this time?" Lance asked, not moving an inch. 

"Are you gonna let us in or not?" Scott snapped.

"Not until you tell me why you wanna sick your pet porcupine on him," Lance told him. "So what did he do to you this time Daniels? Hang your underwear from the flagpole again? Get you in another detention?"

"He took Jean's notebook," Evan grew red.

"What's wrong Red?" Lance snickered. "Didn't memorize everything in it already?"

"Are you gonna let us in Alvers or do I have to blast you?" Scott snapped, holding onto his glasses. 

Lance cocked his head and gave him an arrogant look. "So nice to see Xavier's teaching all of you how to keep your powers in check and not use them in a fit of anger," He quipped. "Since you asked so politely, come on in." He made a bow as he stepped aside. "Welcome to the Brotherhood Abode." 

The X-Men came inside. "Now where's Pietro?" Scott snapped. 

"Relax Shades I'll get him," Lance said, picking up a walkie-talkie. "This is Ranger Red at base camp calling the Great Silver Hunter! Come in Great Silver Hunter! Please respond! We are under siege by a tribe of annoyed pygmies! Come in Silver Hunter!"

"What are you doing?" Jean asked, puzzled.

"I told you, Pietro's out on safari with the others," Lance said matter of factly. "Sometimes the guys like to take little trips into fantasy land. It's easier to humor them, believe me! Come in Great Silver Hunter!" 

Some strange noises were heard at the top of the stairs. Then the Brotherhood came into view. They looked like refugees from a Science Fiction convention; they were all decked out in space uniforms. 

"What the…" Evan's eyes bulged.

"Captain," Pietro was dressed all in silver and had a fake pair of pointed ears. He nodded to Tabitha. "It appears that a group of hostile lifeforms have beamed onto the ship." 

"Analyze Mr. Todd," Tabitha raised her head with an air of authority. "Dr. Dukes, Keldar."

"Keldar?" Lance looked at Pietro. "What's all this Keldar nonsense?" 

"This ought to be good," Scott grumbled to Jean. 

"Today is Thursday, you guys are supposed to be in the Congo!" Lance angrily spaced his hands on his hips. "You always go to the Congo on Thursday! It's Sunday when you guys play Space Patrol! What gives?"

"We got bored," Todd told him. "We thought it was time for a little variety."

"Well next time tell me before you change fantasies in mid-stream!" Lance fumed. "Do you know how ridiculous I looked calling for you guys on the walkie-talkie calling for the Great White Hunter?"

"Sorry Lance," Tabitha sighed.

"That's Grand Admiral to you!" Lance snapped, taking out a fancy futuristic jacket from the hall closet and put it on. He made a salute, and the other's saluted back.

"I knew this was a bad idea," Scott groaned, putting his head in his hands. 

"Now you know why I left," Rogue sighed.

"Captain," Todd held up a remote control and waved it around the X-Men. "Scanners indicate they are not carbon based life forms, they are based on the element Dorkitron!" 

"Further analysis indicates that they have a diminished brain function," Pietro quipped. "Their brains are located in the anal region."

"ALVERS!" Scott fumed. 

"Sounds pretty accurate to me so far," Lance quipped. 

"Look just give me back my notebook!" Jean stomped her foot. 

"Notebook?" Tabitha looked puzzled. "I know not about this 'notebook'."

"Captain I believe that they are referring to this ancient manuscript," Pietro held out the notebook in question. "In it there are some interesting rhymes and anecdotes as well as drawings of certain males. One Duncan Matthews, one Scott Summers, oh and here's an interesting one about a Mr. Logan…"

"STOP IT!" Jean turned bright red and used her telekinesis to grab the notebook.

"One of the aliens has used her mysterious powers to take the manuscript!" Fred gasped.

"No matter," Pietro took out some papers. "We made lots of copies!"

"WHAT?" Jean's jaw dropped.

"I have even undertaken the enterprise to distribute these works of art to fellow students," Pietro quipped. "For a modest fee of course! But you have to admit it is an interesting work of literature. My particular favorite is the fantasy sequence where Jean is with two certain lads and what they do on a beach with mangoes and…"

"Die!" Jean screamed leaping on Pietro and strangling him. 

"The aliens are attacking!" Fred grabbed Jean and tossed her aside. "Red Alert! Man your battle stations!" 

"Okay that's it!" Scott fumed. "If that's the way you wanna play, you got it! Everyone set your phasers to Dismember! Let's get them!" 

The next thing Rogue knew her teammates and her former teammates were running around the house trying to kill each other. She stood there in shock. 

"AGGGH!" Jean screamed running around with goo in her hair. "I've been slimed!" 

"HAHAAHAHA!" Todd laughed hopping after her. 

Lance and Scott were whacking each other with toy lightsabers. "We meet again Summers," Lance hissed. "For the first time and the last time. The student is now the master, the circle is now complete!"

"Only a master of evil!" Scott shouted as they whacked each other on the head. 

"Help!" Evan screamed as Fred, Tabitha, and Pietro kept hitting him with pillows. "POD PEOPLE!" 

Rogue rolled her eyes skyward. "Beam me up Scotty," She moaned. "There's no intelligent life down here." 


End file.
